Episode one: Whatcha talkin' about, Vincent?

Vincent David's lonely quest to protect an innovative world from the clutches of free software.

News Item: Microsoft Platforms Group Vice President Jim Allchin says that Open Source software stifles innovation and threatens Intellectual Property.

The scene: A table for two at Dale's Dry Donut Deli, No Dunking Allowed, somewhere in lower left middle Montana, early, early morning. Across the table sits Vincent David, former Manager of Wildly Implausible Conspiracy Theories at Microsoft's Redmond HQ.

It all started with a phone call and a familiar voice, "Hey Pizza Boy! How'd you like a real scoop?" It was Toadie, right hand grunt to the Software Billionaire. I hadn't heard from him since sneaking into the Fortress of Platitudes disguised as a Pizza guy so I could get the lowdown on the Corel deal.

"Toadie? Is that you?"

"It sure is, and I'm gonna shake your world. Nick Petreley and Joe Barr and all those other Linux writers will be green with envy."

"Big deal. Joe's a bit green already." I replied.

"You can stick it to your buddy, Paul Ferris, over at Linux Today®." Now he had my attention. "That little son-of-a-penguin ranted and ragged all over our boy, Jim Allchin. You've got to set the record straight."
"Wait a minute. I saw Allchin's interview and I read Paul's rant. He was right on. Allchin sounds like he went through a Minnesota car wash with the top down on a cold day."
Toadie didn't say anything at first. Then he started reading,"Let's see. What did he write about your last article? Here it is: You anal-retentive hackers are all alike... Shame, dino, shame, shame, shame. " He didn't need to read another word: I was in.

Now here I am, across the table from a fruitcake in a place that won't let you dunk your donuts.
David looks me straight in the eye. He doesn't blink, ever. "They're everywhere," he says.
"Who? Who's everywhere?"

"The InNOTvators. Alien invaders from strange places like Finland and California. They're here to destroy the American way of life. Probably the French way, too. We have to stop them."
I stifle a groan. This is what Toadie wanted me to see? A guy with more loose screws than a hardware store?

"Look, I know it's hard to believe, but you've got to listen. I'm not just some nut case. I used to have a very responsible PR job at Microsoft. I was called SpinLikeaTopSpreadLikeaPlague. They didn't let me keep the namne when I left."

"Ok," I say. I'm dying to dunk my donut, but Dale has a small arsenal and I don't want to die to dunk my donut. "Would you please tell me what the heck you're talking about?"

"Just this: Today's economy depends on computers and computers depend on software. No software, no economy, no innovation. Microsoft's the biggest name in software. They've done pretty well over the years, but now they're in danger." He holds out his hand. In his plam, a single paper clip.

What's this in my hand and what is it doing"

"It's a paper clip," I say, " and it's doing diddly. So what?"

"Exactly. Before Microsoft, paper clips were boring little pieces of wire. They held paper. Microsoft made them talk, took your mind off the crappy help documentation. Microsoft drives software innovation and they spend a lot of money doing it. Now these InNOTvators are coming in and giving away their software for free. How do you compete with that? And what about DeCSS? What about Napster? Don't you see? It's all part of their plan to dominate the world."

David pauses for a second and scans the room with his eyes. He leans over and speaks more softly than before. "They're taking us over, and they're doing it right in front of our eyes. They look just like you and me, but if you look real close, you can pick 'em out. Their hands are kind of stiff and awkward, and their faces are blank and stony. They don't quite fit in socially."

"Hold it! That's enough. No more. You're mixing apples, oranges and some fruits I can't even name. Microsoft drives innovation? Cheez! Except for that stupid paper clip and Bob, the only thing Microsoft ever innovated was more expensive licenses. And what's with this Napster and DeCSS crap? Hello! Remember copy protection back in the 80s? Do you blame that on Open Source? And music? People have been pirating music since Ugg sang the first love song to Ogg."

I pause for a second to catch my breath, then continue. "Stiff hands and blank faces? You are really starting to scare me with that stuff. Man, you guys can't even go nuts without stealing ideas. This whole thing is just The Invaders® TV show from the 60s. Vincent David! Boy, do I neeed a cluestick. David Vincent was The Invaders' lead character. I'm on to you now and I am out of here." I start to get up when David shouts, "They're here! Run for your life!" He gets up and bolts through the door faster than you can get a Blue Screen of Death. The two men see him run out and head over to my table. Their hands are stiff and awkward and their expressions are blank. They don't say hello to anyone in the deli. I begin to worry.

"Hey dude," the first one says,"old Spinny bendin' your ear?" They sit down. The first one is wearing a Tux T-shirt. The second wears a shirt emblazoned with 'Code free or die'.

I'm relieved, but keep up my guard. Their hands and expressions spook me. The second man sees my discomfort. " He gave you the old hands and face thing, didn't he." I nod. "Well, our hands really are pretty stiff. We've been coding 20 hours straight, man. Linux kernel stuff. Real heavy duty. We must look like hell."

Sensing a story, I ask their names, but I don't get the reaction I expect.

"Hey stranger, we take our privacy pretty seriously here in Montana. "Every knosher in the deli is looking our way with a definite 'Is this stranger givin' you boys trouble' expression. I don't need their names.

"OK, I'll just call you one and two. So tell me, what do you think about the idea that Open Source kills innovation and destroys Intellectual Property? Pretty silly coming from Microsoft, right?"

One starts in. "Oh, I don't know. There's something to it."
"What?" I cry. "Competition breeds innovation. Microsoft never innovated anything."
Two picks up the argument, "I don't mind giving Microsoft a little credit. Like him or not, when IBM came calling, he was smart enough to keep the rights to DOS. Having the PC's operating system available to clones was one of the things that fueled the growth of the generic PC."

I can't take it. "But that's not innovation!" My face is red and I'm getting hoarse.

One takes over. "It ain't invention, but how much stuff really is these days? Microsoft does a lot of nasty things, but they also brought stuff down to non-technical users using cheap generic computers. You could call that innovation. To be honest, I'm amazed at how much mileage they got out of DOS and that cheezy shell they put on top of it.
You asked me if Open Source kills innovation. You bet it does! When you got a monopoly, your innovations don't have to make any sense. You add stuff to make new releases so you can sell 'em for more money. You twist the new stuff just enough so that people with old stuff get left out. Now, bring in some competition. Not just any competition, though. Open Source competition."

"I'm listening, " I say.

"First, if it ain't Open Source, the people selling the goods might be pulling some of the same 'innovative' crap that you are. That's good for you because you're already a monopolist, so you hold the winning hand anyway. Maybe you squash 'em, maybe you buy 'em out. Either way, you're happy." Two takes over the thread, "Open Source is different. It doesn't play version blackmail. Everybody can get the software if they want it. Upgrades don't pump your revenue stream. Instead, you add new stuff 'cos new stuff does something for you. You can't just buy the company and toss the software off the market, either. If you have an Open Source competitor, you have to deliver real honest-to-goodness customer value. Users aren't as dumb as we like to pretend. It may take a while, but they figure things out."

"Ok. I guess I can buy that. But that whole Intellectual Property thing? What a load!"

One again, "Actually, old Spinny's got a point."

"Wait a minute," I interrupt, "I know a lot of Linux users who believe in property."

Back to Two," "Hey look, dude. This is Montana. We take property very seriously, but we undestand how property works, and not just IP. Say you cornered the market in buggy whips when cars came out. You end up losing a bundle of money. Used to be, people bought Word Processing Systems that cost thousands and thousands of dollars. When word processing software came out for cheap PCs, that whole market just up and died. When was the last time you saw a daisy wheel printer or a phonograph?

"I'm not following you."

"It's simple, man. If Open Source software can do the same thing your software does, and do it well enough that people can make the switch without too much grief, then the value of your Intellectual Property just went down. You can still get money, but it's not so easy to gouge people. To get the value back up, you've got to deliver something worth paying for."

"That sounds like a good thing to me."

One and Two both nod and say, "Yup."

"One thing still bothers me. If you guys really are Linux kernel hackers, your names are on a mailing list or the contributors file or somewhere."

"Nope. We use an alias. Call ourselves Linus Torvalds."

"Getouttahere! I've met Linus Torvalds and you're not him."

They both stand up to leave, and One leans over the table until we are eyeball to eyeball. He whispers softly,"Think Milli Vanilli."

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